149 days.

Tuesday September 15, 2015

That's how long it has been since I last recorded a score. Until today.

Today I felt good and some supportive people in the comments room said good things and I felt it was time I started scoring again. I want to become a master at knowing this illness so well I can start to close off its airways before it eyes up mine.

I have been a Moodscope member for some years, reading daily, never commenting. Eventually I made a small comment anonymously... this was accompanied by shaking. Like someone was just waiting to shine a spotlight over my head and shout "HERE IS THE DEPRESSIVE".

Then I got brave and commented a few times. Braver still and I added a name. (Ridiculously long and un-typeable when you are (a) in a hurry and (b) not well.) I realised it was ok. For long enough I stood in the comments room feeling like I had farted but nobody had heard... I got away with it! Then one day, someone replied to me and there was no going back. I started chucking in my tuppence worth regularly and it made me feel like I had something of worth, that I mattered. That, for me, was key. This illness was something I knew a lot about and I could use that.

Now, I quite often submit a blog. Sometimes it's when I'm broken, the words fall out, and you send me a sentence which is enough to feel sellotaped. Sometimes it's just ramblings and ways that have helped me and so I share in case it might help you. What I wonder is if everyone reading today was to type the word of where they are right now and submit it (anonymously or named) would it make us all feel included?

We might suddenly have a comments room full of people standing side by side, not speaking, but quietly smiling that we're not alone. And feeling included and that you matter is often just the start we need to taking one step towards 'better'.

I dare you to comment with one word of where you are right now. Kitchen.

Love from
The room above the garage.
A Moodscope member.

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