Lately the world has been moving at a different pace than my bipolar 3/ADHD brain. Usually I am speeding internally and impatient with my environment and as the saying goes: I try to take one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once. Life is coming at me fast and from all directions as my little side business cleaning houses and yards is taking off.

I have also finally cut off toxic family members and found what may be "the one," as far as love and romance go. Now to sort and organize what part of me is on a slight mania trip and what is healthy excitement. 

My ability to concentrate is best described as equal to 50 squirrels tap dancing with a drunk unicorn. People talk to me and I silently pray I will catch enough of the content to be able to carry on the conversation, let them feel heard and not embarrass myself.

Periods of my mind racing is peppered with periods of exhaustion. I am more forgetful than usual. At this rate, old age will be a snap, I tell myself the bad joke. I got that covered.

My medication replaced with a generic form of the same is not helpful. They are not the same. I am now clumsier and took a near bone breaking spill the other day from a dizzy spell. The pills will soon be returned to the sender, rejected not selected. But I still need medication, or magic beans, as I affectionately call effective meds.

I went to a small gathering yesterday and felt my PTSD flare up and had to go for a quick walk. Alone. I have shared details of my journey with my new flame and he has been nothing but understanding and kind. I generalized it rather than overwhelm him with how I have Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, PTSD, ADHD, IBS, SAD and some OCD. The alphabet and I hate each other and are not on speaking terms.

In the past, I have pushed back on a Psychiatrist's diagnosing me with both Unipolar and Bipolar depression, citing over-diagnosis: how can I possibly be both? It is like you have checked me off as having one of each!" And he agreed, correcting it with just a BPD 3 label, a version of Bipolar Disorder obtained from prolonged use of antidepressants. That was metaphorically a hard pill to swallow, the cause is in the cure? The cure (or treatment) is the cause? Grrrrrr. 

So the journey continues...

Bailey

A Moodscope member