At first when the order for social isolation came last year I thought; no problem, I can do this; social isolation is my social life. House arrest practically.  Check. But it soon turned out, when it becomes "have-to," things change because choice matters.

I remember the extreme grief I experienced after a hysterectomy. "Mom is getting her baby maker taken out,"  my then spouse and I explained it to the children. Not that the minus of menstrual cycle wasn't a pure delight, not that I wanted anymore babies from broken relationships, but once again when "can," becomes "cannot," and something else called: "have to cope with a new reality," replaces it, the dynamic shifts. The sadness of losing my only physical link to babies I had miscarried just about drove me around the bend in a white limousine.

I often say: "this is driving me crazy but it won't be a long trip - you will save on the fuel."

What irks and irritates me about the pandemic is the ever-changing protocols and seemingly futile precautions that don't seem to coincide well with the numbers of the infected. Then again math was never  my strong suit or even casual dress.

Recently I comforted(?) a new widow; saying: "this didn't happen because you can't, it happened and you can. It just won't be any fun for a while." 

So I am back to living life one day at a time if not twenty minutes at a time. It just depends on my mood. What makes it hard is the mental distancing that has slowly eroded communication. People are even reluctant to return emails or exchange pleasantly in public at the acceptable space. I may yet extract a tape measure from my pocket and mockingly mete out the required 6 feet between myself and another... humour helps. 

Busyness helps although has a dangerous side close to burnout to it as well, the term burnout being literal burning off of the myelin sheath around certain neurons that doesn't rejuvenate naturally. I think I have covid burnout... and feel I cannot go on too much longer like this. But "have to," is a marvellous motivator. I can since I have to. And so can you. It might even be fun - I have taken to putting my lipstick on the outside of my mask to draw smiles from others. 

It's a can-demic. Because we can. 

Bailey

A Moodscope member.