Since Covid  my friends, old in time and age, and new acquaintances, all seem to have problems, health major, but the uncertainty about the future concerns many.

I am now experiencing an odd sense of guilt about: shopping, travel and grand-children. The shopping is the most recent. I have lent my car to a lady who is in a mess, and her children too, her son financially. They do not seem to be making any progress, I am going have to get my car back, situation is unsatisfactory. The guilt? She takes me shopping, I’m quite happy, makes me tired. But she goes on about prices. She is helping me with projects prior to putting house on market. I get something for our lunch ‘Oh, it’s expensive’. I buy something for stock, just ask if she likes it? Oh, too expensive for me. She has  got into the habit, now annoying, because always the intimation that she is poverty stricken and I am well off (I am not, but have enough to live on and go out for an occasional meal). No point saying, though I feel like it ‘It’s my money and I will spend it how I like’.

I have often questioned the money we spent on travel, and on photography. But never luxurious, we earned it, and photos now my life. I look at photos with this lady – she has not had the income for holidays. But she had travelled with her parents and in her early married life, but always with money worries apparently. When we were visiting India, where we spent a lot of money on the orphanages and sponsoring girls, we got a lot of criticism. One of the nuns said we should not spend on such an expensive hotel, but it was the only one that was ‘safe’. The priest  said we ought to spend more money on the village.

Grandchildren? An odd one. I have several couples who, for all sorts of reasons, never had hope of grand-children. When our first grand-child was born my best friend did not come near me for 3 months. She could not refrain from breaking down at her own disappointment. Later she became proud of her children’s success, and was a fantastic godmother to our first adopted daughter. Find myself hesitating at expressing my joy at our newest arrival.

Something which I always regarded as immoral was how the tax system worked in UK. We were a limited company. The official office was in the farmhouse. We were allowed to put a third of the house heating against tax, although with 5 children office heating could not have been more than 1/20 of the bills. To me expense lunches were immoral. The MD where Mr G worked would try to make an excuse to take a staff member out to lunch so he could get his free.  Do you have a guilty conscience about something to which you have a perfect right? 

The Gardener

A Moodscope member