A fool and her money

19 Oct 2023

I wrote a previous blog -‘They saw me coming’- about my quest to find quick and lazy solutions to problems, requiring just the ‘Pay Now’ button.

Well, the collection of useless products continues to grow. Cool mats and jackets for the dogs that they refuse to accept. A urine illuminating torch to help locate the marks left on the carpet by the untrainable beagle. A hair product that should enable air-drying but leaves me crackling with static.

I am a sucker for anything that promises to improve physical imperfections. My advice is look in a mirror, remember how you look today. I can promise that whatever your age or current condition you will one day look back and think "Wow, I was so damned hot then.” 

The window of our local Boots is pretty unforgiving. I see slumped round shoulders, so ageing. There must be an answer, and indeed there is, a shoulder brace harness.

I certainly felt different. Somewhat constricted, but upright. Before going out I asked Spock "Does this look ok under my top?" I should know better.

Within minutes I notice the stares. Particularly from men. One guy on a bike nearly mounts the pavement, a motorist toots and waves. I look down, the view is different. A cheeky male pal shouts "You've still got it Val.” 

When I first joined the Invisible Women's club years ago it was hard to adjust, but now I can't imagine why I ever sought male attention.

Boots window confirms my fears. Two big separated orbs sitting just under my collar bone. I am small with skinny legs. I look beyond ridiculous. I scurry home, taking the quiet route. A woman glares scornfully at me. I can read her mind. "Nice implants dear, shame about the face".

Spock finds it hilarious, so I don't even wear it at home. It joins the others in the drawer of shame, alongside the back wedge, neck roller, shoe inserts, exercise ball.

Pride of place goes to the pelvic floor gadget that promised to "change my life". Indeed, it nearly did. I will spare you the details.

In the pantry there lurk sundry health-giving teabags that I keep shoving out of the way as I reach for the rocket fuel coffee or Assam. They sit alongside the costly packs of super-greens to add delicious flavour to meals or hot drinks,  but look and taste foul. I tried fobbing them off on the dogs, who took one sniff and stalked off.

Then there's the numerous scented candles and melts that smell of nothing. I have bought great candles from the same woman for years, but something impels me to see if there are even better ones to be found.

I suppose in fairness I should add some purchases that have been worth every penny. The slow cooker, the lid opener, the patio weeder that saved my aching back, the steam mop, the cheap lipstick that lasts for hours, great skin products from Aldi, a foot care kit that is now part of my routine. 

What useless items sit gathering dust in your cupboards, or are you less lazy and gullible than I am?


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