I have a sister who I love very much, but until a few years ago we didn’t get on. I couldn’t really understand why, but everything I said seemed to be wrong, and the more I tried, the worse it got. In the end, I stopped trying and resigned myself to the fact that we would just have to be polite to each other – although it seemed I couldn’t get that right either – and accept that we were just chalk and cheese and didn’t get along.

Then things changed. I couldn’t say why, and I was too grateful to look a gift horse in the mouth. My sister didn’t change who she was, and I couldn’t see that I’d changed, but our relationship did change. These days, when I’m taking my daughter to Swansea University, I stop off for the night at Hereford where she lives. We have a lovely time, just chatting but also discussing quite deep philosophical questions. Our relationship now is one of deep affection and understanding.

Then, this time, she told me the why. “Things changed when I realised I just had to accept you as you are, rather than expecting you to be the way I thought you should be, and trying to change you.”

I didn’t ask her what she thought I should be. As I said, gift horses and all that. I just said that I was happy we had a good relationship now and left it at that.

Last week I said that acceptance is the most important thing we can do to help our mental health. For me, every practical thing we can do – walking in nature, surrounding ourselves with a good support network and so on, is ineffective unless we first accept ourselves and our illness. We have depression, or bipolar disorder. This is why we are here, on Moodscope, in the first place.

I remember exactly where I was when I realised this. I was driving through the middle of Royston, listening to Ruby Wax on audio. She said the moment she accepted her depression was when she stopped feeling guilty about being depressed. When she felt guilty, she became more depressed, which made her feel more guilty and so on in a vicious cycle. Acceptance broke that cycle. It was, as they say, a lightbulb moment. I remember this, every time I drive through Royston on my way to Hertford to see friends.

If you haven’t already, I would urge acceptance on you. It really does make all the difference. It doesn’t cure the depression or bipolar, but it does make it easier to live with and makes all the practical things we do to lift our mental health more effective.

Where would you say you are on your journey to acceptance? Do you still struggle with feelings of guilt? I don’t think I’m yet all the way there yet, but I am making progress. I hope you are too.

Mary

A Moodscope member