Someone asked me recently if my insomnia got worse if I was worried about a future commitment.

I hesitated on this one as I was feeling so dreadful that day, I didn't think it could get any worse even if I had to make a televised speech to the Houses of Parliament in a few days.

However I did reply and said "Yes it can do!"

But not really believing that it might actually get worse and anyway this person obviously didn't know how ghastly I was feeling.

But then something happened, a light bulb moment as they say and it wasn't a good moment! I realised that yes, my insomnia can be directly related to something I have committed myself to months ahead.

For instance a lunch party at my house which I happily invited a few friends and their spouses weeks ago. I imagined a summer day, sitting outside, wine, nice food prepared by me (even though I dislike the thought of cooking), bunting etc.

And hey ho what happened? Yes, you guessed it, my anxiety levels rose as the day got nearer, weeks before actually and my sleep got worse as I was forced to think this lunch was actually a reality and not a dream in my head.

I got to the point where I lost count of the number of times I cancelled it, the excuses I made etc. Would I feel worse if I cancelled or better?

In the end I am going through with it. Listen to that language. "Going through with it"! It sounds like such an ordeal!

And also here's the irony. The lunch is tomorrow and of course I have been thinking I MUST sleep the night before the lunch, I must, I must and guess what happened, I slept soundly last night, the one night I didn't care if I didn't sleep. Of course I won't sleep tonight but by the time you read this, it will all be over, but I can guarantee I will still be analysing the whole event in my head still.

Julia

A Moodscope member.