At almost 44, I thought I would be far better established in friendships and social connections by now. Instead I am finding that as I become a better friend to myself, others have to go.

As a handicapped person with a mental illness, socializing is hard. Most life activities are; but social settings are by far my biggest challenge.

Someone once said to me; "People will always tell you who they really are, you just have to know how to listen." Sometimes the truth is in the absolute statements: "I am soooo honest..."(Can turn out the biggest liar).

"Never get mad at someone who is being exactly who they are," I have heard. Yay for authenticity, I guess.

Recently a long term friendship is taking a hit and I am noticing it seems to be over my ruminating an event to death. It takes me a long time to process things that trouble me and to be sure; in midst of it my rants and ramblings probably seem incessant and non directional. Then once I am done, it's DONE. I have beaten the topic to death. I appreciate that she is weary of the same, repetitive conversation. And my regret is that I haven't saved the processing for my therapy sessions. After all, isn't that why they get paid the big bucks?

So while I don't want to take only anothers inventory and never my own, it is time to move on once again.

Another wise person told me; "All relationships have a shelf life," and that notion saddened me. Ah, the truth may set one free but not necessarily make one happy.

I have written about this friend flaunting her wealth while insisting we travel anywhere together in my car, while complaining about the condition thereof. A friend who flashed photos of her yearly vacations with her engineering husband with zero regard for the fact that I had never been on one. (Not even my honeymoon to an ex husband was a vacation but that's another story best left alone). Who bragged about her savings accounts to someone who barely gets by. Who stole empty bottles and cans from a homeless man, no less. Who has recently been degrading people who don't work full time and over time like her. "Bottom feeders," she calls persons on social assistance and disability pensions. People like me.

So it is time to get off the ruminating wheel and make a decision. This and a few other over-thought stories of mine need rest. I know what I have to do and it isn't because I am faultless; but this friend needs to become a memory. Someone has to pull the plug on this and put us all out of its misery.

I dislike starting over AGAIN but that is also a plus in life - you can reinvent yourself anytime you feel the need to. As Marilyn Monroe put it: "Sometimes things fall apart so better things can come together."

Bailey

A Moodscope member.