Earlier today we were walking across the fields in the pouring rain.

My OH wanted to turn back and cut our usual walk short. We were getting soaked.

But I wanted to battle on and fight against the weather. I didn’t want the weather to beat me.

On Sunday I decided to go for a run in the gale force wind. I got very angry with the wind as it almost brought me to a standstill but I battled on. When the wind came in strong bursts, I decided to run even faster to get the better of it. I was exhausted.

I was thinking today that this is what I’m like with my low moods, depression and insomnia.

Every day I battle with them, try not to give in to a low mood. I soldier on despite feeling tired and fed up. I’m probably not easy company and not nice to live with 24/7 but it’s almost a feeling of I will win, you won’t.

I know we can’t control the weather; in some ways we can control low moods. We can take anti depressants and have therapy for example. However I’ve tried all those and feel now I can’t control my low moods and insomnia either but I can carry on and not give in to it.

I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing always fighting. I don’t really accept any of it, so it’s not acceptance, but I look at it as the enemy, an enemy not to be defeated (as I don’t think I can defeat the weather or my moods), but not to give in. To run and walk into it each day and not give up.

Jul

A Moodscope member.