Battling on a Daily Basis

Friday July 3, 2020

Earlier today we were walking across the fields in the pouring rain.

My OH wanted to turn back and cut our usual walk short. We were getting soaked.

But I wanted to battle on and fight against the weather. I didn’t want the weather to beat me.

On Sunday I decided to go for a run in the gale force wind. I got very angry with the wind as it almost brought me to a standstill but I battled on. When the wind came in strong bursts, I decided to run even faster to get the better of it. I was exhausted.

I was thinking today that this is what I’m like with my low moods, depression and insomnia.

Every day I battle with them, try not to give in to a low mood. I soldier on despite feeling tired and fed up. I’m probably not easy company and not nice to live with 24/7 but it’s almost a feeling of I will win, you won’t.

I know we can’t control the weather; in some ways we can control low moods. We can take anti depressants and have therapy for example. However I’ve tried all those and feel now I can’t control my low moods and insomnia either but I can carry on and not give in to it.

I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing always fighting. I don’t really accept any of it, so it’s not acceptance, but I look at it as the enemy, an enemy not to be defeated (as I don’t think I can defeat the weather or my moods), but not to give in. To run and walk into it each day and not give up.

A Moodscope member.

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