My body crying out for help, I found a chiropractor who treated my physical symptoms and pointed me in the direction of a personal development course. I was not happy I realised. I was sad, angry. I felt trapped. I always knew suicide wasn't an option for me. I had seen what effects it could have on a family and I didn't want to cause that.
I soon saw that I didn't love myself. But somewhere deep inside I must do because I had found this 6-month course and I was taking it on.
When doing a kind of meditation exercise I discovered that each time I crossed a street I did so fearing for my life and the effects on my family, should I have an accident. I gave myself the task to look carefully before crossing, thinking that I do this because I love myself and want to look after myself.
My focus shifted. Having done mostly the same things, driven by fear, I now chose to do it out of love for myself. Everything felt different.
I saw patterns of fear in my family and saw it as my task to break them - for me, in my life, and also somehow for them. Our relationships were about to change for the better.
Working hard, it took years before I started actively focusing on the beautiful patterns my family also hold and the life-force they contain.
A Moodscope member
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