I was married to an abusive man for 15 years. Why, you may ask. I wouldn't bother asking as I don't know the answer!

Well, I do in a way - needing someone, shame of more failure, needing to sort other aspects of my life first etc.

I am reminded of all this as I help care for a 2 year old. Adorable, delightful, a great joy but... choose your battles wisely comes top of the list with this age group.

The reason for my tale of woe is that, in an abusive relationship, I found you have to choose your battles wisely otherwise there is a continual row going on and if you aren't an aggressive person this sort of life is awful. He did beat me down mentally in this way as I was always backing down or scared of him so often chose not to fight. It's extreme control in all it's nastiness.

Pondering this line of thought I realise it applies to life in general. Which match can I cope to play in, which people can I cope to be around, which clubs to join. All a battlefield for me as I lack self confidence and am horribly shy although no one has ever believed me. I had to learn very young to hide it. My physical appearance hasn't helped. Tiny women get looked after and are allowed to be nervous. Tall women aren't. Life has been a battlefield of fighting my corner or running away when I can't cope anymore.

I nearly lost my wonderful son to his mother in law. We had always been so close. With great patience, lots of tears in private on my part and no arguments he has come back to me. A battle won.

Depression... a constant battle, but one worth fighting every inch of the way.

By the way, I won the final battle with the Evil Ex. Despite him not wanting it, I divorced him :-)

Smudge

A Moodscope member.