For years I have written a Christmas 'Round Robin' letter updating friends with news of my life. These have been happy, sad, distressing, heartbroken, glad and joyous synopses and keep me in touch with those I love and admire.

I wrote to Moodscope once and the replies I received were so welcome and I apologise that I never responded to any of the kind people who wrote and helped me at a very difficult time. I thought I was ok but regressed and went back to a dark place in my mind and life.

Recently I have had good news regarding a cancer op and am clear for the next year and now my son and his wife have given me a gorgeous grandson. My feelings however have been put into turmoil as I expected none of the extreme negative feelings I now have again towards my ex husband who left me after 32 years of marriage and married a younger 'friend of a friend of his'!

All your thoughts and expectations are paramount when married of the time to come when grandchildren arrive and then to enjoy them with your partner/husband. This for me is especially so at Christmas time which is so wonderful when children make it very special.

It is my circumstance of being alone that makes what used to be a lovely time for me in the family home now so different... My son and daughter in law have kindly asked me to stay over with them on Christmas Eve and we will then go to her parents to stay over on Christmas day evening. They have always been wonderful and generous to me with their care and consideration. Then on Boxing Day my son, wife and my grandson will be with my ex-husband and his wife... and this is where the pain intensifies and continues for me... I truly resent they will all be together and I accept I am deeply angry. My son still loves his father and they have to accept his wife and be with them also at Christmas.

This is not how I thought my life and retirement would be and I am finding it much harder to cope with now I am a grandmother. I so wanted to have lots of time being around with my grandson but now I am 72 and thoughts of that time being so limited scares me and fills me with sadness. I can just try to accept what I can't change and cheer myself up with the fact that the option to not growing old is certainly unwanted!

It is so hard to be alone and the family time of Christmas accentuates this. I keep going through in my mind all the good things I have in my life and try not to be negative and know that I will pull through when the 'Season of Good Cheer' is over!!! I will make the most of my future time with my grandson, son and daughter in law and try to lose my bitterness. I know it is not good for me but its hard to shift and to find a peaceful and rested mind.

I wish all Moodscopers a very Good Christmas and I hope peace and joy will prevail for you.

Love

Lyn x

A Moodscope member.