I think most if not all of us, want and believe we need control over our lives.

Of course, total control isn’t possible, but we want to control as much as we can.

I want control over many aspects of my life, particularly my mental health and sleep.

I am not sure if I am a controlling person in other aspects of my life and my interaction with others.

When the children were small, I had to have control for their own safety but now they are older, I wonder if I exercised too much and whether I still do. Maybe I’m clinging onto lost control and trying to be a better parent. Only they can tell me and I’ve never dared asked them so far.

The only time I had control at work was when I left!

Lack of control over the hours I spent working for someone else and an institution took its toll. I was at my boss’s plus other staffs’ (senior to me), beck and call all day every day. Eventually I took sick leave and actually never looked back because the freedom I had during my short period off work enabled me to think clearly and make the huge decision to leave. The treadmill I had been for 14 years stopped me thinking rationally and most importantly for myself.

However the main point of my blog and its title is control over my mental health.

I try to control it but it doesn’t seem to work.

If I want to be on top of things, positive and a pleasure to be with on a certain day in the not too distant future, I start to track my sleep pattern and try to control the night’s sleep before the day.

I rarely can though!!

This happened earlier this week. I was meeting friends whom I’d not seen for a while and was desperate to be on good form. I worked out that if I was sensible with sleep aids for say four nights before, I could make sure I would sleep the night before the big day. How wrong could I be! It just does not work like that more often than not. You’ll not be in the least surprised to hear that I didn’t sleep well. I woke up feeling very disappointed and not looking forward to the day. (It turned out to be fine. We were all pleased to see each other and one of them said she was tired and another that she didn’t sleep well.I kept quiet about myself. They’ve heard it all before from me. But I did go over and over the conversation the following night which I wouldn’t have done had I felt good).

Control! Who’d have it or thinks they can control!

I wonder if Moodscopers have any success at controlling how they want to feel for a certain future social occasion.

Julia

A Moodscope member