I am confused about the difference between Jealousy and Envy. Envy is one of the seven deadly sins so that seems fairly extreme! But people tend to prefer the term envy to jealousy - something about jealousy suggests pettiness and no one wants to be considered petty. Is it okay to be jealous and/or envious of a friend? What does it say about us if we want something that they have? Can we be happy for our friend and, at the same time, wish it for ourselves?

My friend has inherited a large amount of money. This is my second friend to become wealthy all of a sudden through their husband’s family. And yes, it is lucky and yes, I am happy for them. But. 

They have both bought new very-fabulous houses, full of charm and character. And what can I say but their hall, stairs & landings are bigger and far far more beautiful than my entire little house. And I’d like to say my house is cosy but, truth is, it’s drafty, in need of much practical TLC and brand new windows. I am a kind person so these resentful feelings are not sitting well with me. Comparison is the thief of joy - I know this. But how do I free myself?

I googled this topic and it’s fascinating: Many people out there are jealous/envious of their friends and feeling shame about it. A lot of responses say: ‘You don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives, your friends might not be as happy as you think.’ Hello? What’s that all about? I don’t want my friends to be unhappy or unlucky, I just want to be lucky and happy too!! 

People suggest making a gratitude list, something I do already - those small but significant daily moments are to be treasured. One reply asked a question: ‘Why does this hurt so much, what is it in your own life that is not fulfilled?’ Hmmmm. As someone who has moved my kids from rented house to rented house and only finally bought a modest home four years ago, is this my issue? Do I envy the feeling of security that an inheritance brings to my friend’s family and their future? Do I envy the financial freedom to choose beautiful decor when I am working out how to pay for new windows? Will these uncomfortable feelings pass in time? Will I once again enjoy chats with my friends and it won’t matter if we’re in a higgledy-piggledy house or a mansion? I hope so.

I found an answer to my original question. I read a quote from the writer & researcher Brené Brown: ‘Envy is when we want something that someone else has. Jealousy is when we're afraid of losing something we already have to someone else.’

And there have been many studies done on envy and, thankfully, there are two kinds: Healthy and Unhealthy. 

In my own words:

Unhealthy envy:  ‘I want what you have, give it to me!’. 

Healthy envy: ’I wish you well but, Hello Universe, I’d like a dollop of good luck too, please’. 

So, perhaps I am just a sorta-normal, healthy-ish envious human being after all? What do you think?

Best wishes to all Moodscopers,

Salt Water Mum

A Moodscope member