So I've had my heart broken. Again. I hung in there for a very long time. Far too long. My conscious reasons? Well he's wonderful, kind, funny, smart etc, etc, etc... He really is. My sub/unconscious reasons? My beliefs about myself. Lack of self love, self esteem, that there will always be someone better than me whom the other person will want more.
I'm a Whack-a-Mole. I keep popping my head up in the same place with the same guy expecting different results. Instead I get whacked on the head with a hammer! Ouch! Each time the bump grows and it hurts more. Ouch, ouch, OUCH.
However today I have the power to stay down in the hole and gradually dig a new way out. Maybe find an opening with a bit of sunshine, fun, relaxation, and more of my favourite things. Julie Andrews anyone? 'When the bees sting...'
I can find a new way out because I have spent the last 2-3 years 'working' hard on myself. Identifying past traumas, understanding my patterns of behaviour and working on change. I have to find self love and self validation.
Stopping any addiction, mine being loving an unavailable person who reinforced my feelings of not being good enough (not his fault, I take full responsibility for my choices), is hard and incredibly painful. As whilst addictions themselves bring pain, they are used to cover up traumas and intense pain so deep that it is very scary to stand still and face them. Will it be worth it? I hope so, but it feels horrid. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
'I have confidence...' (thank you Julie Andrews). I'm feeling scared but no going back now.
No more Whack-a-Mole.
A Moodscope member.