18 Jan 2018

When I was a child if an adult or teacher told me, they were disappointed in me I would feel so small and start to cry. It was the one criticism that I dreaded and really wounded me. As a people pleaser the thought I had disappointed an adult because I said something a bit rude or when a teacher said I disappointed her because I had left my homework at home, was too overwhelming for me to understand. People expected me to be good - when I slipped a bit they were disappointed. My upper lip would tremble, and I would say as many sorrys as I could before curling up like a misshapen rock sobbing softly and getting cross with myself.

What is it about disappointing others that many like me find so hard to bear? Is it because we have set ourselves such high standards or that others have too high expectations. When you are well behaved it is only a matter of time before you have a minor fall from grace. If you are always diligent there will be a time when you are not. You can't please everyone all the time so you are bound sooner or later not to please someone. I know the theory but the practice is harder.

I found when I first had my mood swing I was so disappointed in myself because I thought I was destined to go smooth sailing through my life and then when it didn't happen I blamed myself for being such a mess.

I think disappointing myself has always upset me more than disappointing others. I am not sure when I realized I was not going to be a world famous academic or writer and that I needed to lower my expectation and be content with what I have. Well to be honest, while I realize those things aren't going to happen I secretly imagine they may.

Does it worry you if someone says you disappoint them?

Do you find yourself a disappointment? Why or why not?


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