Oh, I loved Lex's Monday blog! I loved the multi-coloured dots and I adored his challenge to think outside the box.

I'm not very good at that. I'm very creative inside the box, but I always need that structure and security around me.

Except when I'm high. As I am right now.

So when Lex said "the length of the lines, the size of the dots, the width of the line, the 'size' of the frame - all these are negotiable," I was seized with the irresistible urge to grab an extra thick Sharpie and just draw one line through the whole lot!

There! Job done with one stroke, not four.

The trouble with this kind of drastic action is that, while the objective is certainly achieved (oh - those dots are certainly joined up now), the cost is inevitably high. In this case, no dots are visible at all. Oops.

I have suffered in the past from taking drastic action. My favourite activity seems to be decluttering. I am good at decluttering when I'm in this state. Too good, it turns out.

I threw out my children's Red Books in one such clear out. For those of you without children brought up in the UK, the Red Book contains the record of your child's weight and growth from birth and, most importantly, their official proof of inoculations. This is vital when they start school and the proofs are needed. Me? I have no idea when jabs happened: I know that they did, but I can't prove it.

Oh, I have thrown out so many things I later needed.

I have thrown out things I later realised I loved.

I have come so close to throwing out people I loved and needed.

I'm close to that now.

It has been a hard summer. The falling of the leaves and my kite-high mental state only strip the problems of their emotion and throw them into stark relief against a clear sky.

Like the kite, I long to cut loose the strings that hold me here and fly - just fly...

Have lap-top, have credit card, have spare pair of knickers and I can go anywhere; anywhere at all...

I can write anywhere, after all.

So I have to hold on to my common sense. Grab it tight and hold on hard!

This feeling is temporary. There is a crash at the other end. And, at the other end of that dark time, reality and proper emotions will be restored. Once again I will know I love and value my husband and family.

My friends in far flung places would be delighted to see me, but they would not wish me to abandon home and hearth to be with them. Buying a one-way ticket to Manila, to Munich, to Tomsk, to Phoenix, might go on the (credit) card, but is not on the cards...

So I'll write it all down here, and keep the credit card in safely in my pocket.

Mary

A Moodscope member.