Friday May 29, 2020

I’m feeling low. Previously when I’ve had periods of feeling low I’ve been worried that my depression is coming back; but this time I’m not worried about that. Perhaps because I know life is unusual right now so there’s hope that when “things go back to normal” maybe I’ll go back to “normal” too. Regardless I’m struggling to keep it together and to keep positive.

I took myself for a walk this evening and was ruminating. I have poor eating habits and lockdown has made this hard. My eating has not been what I want it to be. In fact my eating has never been what I want it to be. But it has been better than this. And so, with my eating as it is, negative thoughts come, worthlessness sky rockets and I stop seeing myself with a neutral perspective.

I observed this on my walk and tried to CBT my way out of it. But the thing is, when I feel like this, I feel that  I don’t deserve to feel better. That I ought to dwell in the depths of self loathing. That I’ve brought this upon myself and should therefore be punished for it. I appreciate these are yet further unsubstantiated “truths” to be blasted apart by CBT but I just seem to end up in a cycle which doesn’t actually work.

This means that, as with other low periods, right now I’m struggling to get myself out of my funk.

I’m wondering if anyone out there has experienced similar personal refusal to see any positivity and if you’ve found any successful strategies that I might be able to try?

With love and hope

A Moodscope member.

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