I am so lucky with my immediate family. I love my husband, and he loves me. My elder daughter said yesterday, “I love you so much, Mummy” and gave me an extra long hug. Even my younger daughter – far less demonstrative – phones home for an hour or so at a time; that must be love, surely. When I have been ill, they have all supported and cared for me.

My mother is adorable but my brother and sister – well that’s more difficult. You see, my brother is very opinionated, and I don’t agree with most of his opinions. My sister is a complicated soul. We’ve made a pact together, though, because family is more important than anything else, that we will all love each other and get along. That means a lot of give and take – on their side as well as mine, but we manage because it’s important to all of us. There’s love even when our understanding of each other is incomplete.

As I said, my mother is adorable; she is sweet and generous to a fault. She rarely has a bad word to say about anyone - although she will sometimes gently complain of people’s behaviour. Other members of her family, however, have tongues that could flay an elephant, and I prefer to keep my distance. My mother grew up in a hard and abusive environment. She was never physically or sexually abused, but the verbal onslaught was unremitting. I sometimes think she is so nice and kind to everyone to prove, even now, to her long dead mother, that she is a worthwhile person. 

No, you can’t choose your family; I just got lucky. Many, many people aren’t so lucky.

But what of our friends?  Surely, because we can supposedly choose our friends, that should be simpler. It’s often not. We make friends in all sorts of places and for varying reasons. We make friends in the playground when we’re six, and then friends at the playground gates when we’re sixty and picking up grandchildren. We make friends with neighbours and in the swimming pool. Some of my best friends I made online. Our marriage partners bring friends with them, and those friends bring their own marriage partners. Friendships can be even more complicated than family.

Inevitably some friendships die, and some remain stubbornly healthy in the face of all expectation. CMM wrote yesterday about her friend Yolanda. Most of us are amazed that Yolanda is still counted as a friend – yet she is. In the comments, someone related how they have chosen to let some friends go and how painful this was and still is. Yes, the breakup of a close friendship can be as traumatic as a divorce.

We have this idea that families and friends should be there for us when we are down, and vice versa, but often this is not the case. Do you have families and friends that are supportive, or can you only reply on yourself when you’re down?

Mary

A Moodscope member