My father died three years ago. Father’s Day was never easy even when he was alive as I didn’t have a great relationship with him. I didn’t even realise it was Father’s Day until Friday. I saw someone hug their teenage daughter today and there was that old tinge of “pain”. Does that ever get better? 

The only time my father ever hugged me was when he had tried to take an overdose and I had told him I loved him. He reached out for a hug. Never allowed to hug other than that.  I’m not sure I really ever loved him but just told him what he needed to hear at the time. 

The only time I ever kissed him was on the day he died after he had died to say goodbye. I never dared to even attempt to do that before. Why? Why could I never have a relationship with my father? This question still hangs there and will never be answered. When I see the relationship others have, I longed for that but have never, will never have it. I had to learn to do that for myself. 

I do wonder why some people are parents…

Ruth

A Moodscope member