Some eagle eyed Moodscopers may possibly have noticed I have not had much of a presence on the blog page of late. I am almost ready to return; not quite ready yet.

Moodscope is for those of us who are going through an assortment of mental health issues. I’ve said before and I say gain, it is primarily because of Moodscope, that I am still here. Still living. It is a most valuable resource for me and has been over a number of years – I joined in 2012. And it helps. It really helps.

But. I have had to retreat and really pull myself in and try to deal with the deepest and most awful depression I have felt for a number of years. 

And where it has come from is a mystery, ‘like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea.’ 

I suspect it is the cumulative effects of the death of my life partner, Jane, in November 2024, the suicide of my little sister in October 2025, and the horrible harangue from my  brother in November 2025; I responded to his outpouring of rage and hate at me by telling him he is no longer welcome in my house. 

As the winter progressed, turned into spring, I remember feeling quite good and optimistic. And something changed. Something so small and insignificant it is almost unnoticeable; I just stopped. 

My ‘social face’ was put firmly in place and I have coped outwardly. But inside. I have just stopped. I am not even ‘screaming inside’ as that takes too much effort. I have stopped. 

I asked my non-Moodscope friends for help please. I told them I am no longer coping. Can you help?

And they have helped. Physically helped. They have come to me. One woman, just emerging from a nasty divorce, drove to me from Scotland. Aware of her own fragility, she stayed in a hotel, neutral territory, and joined me for two days, two dog walks, two lunches and so many long conversations. And ate dinner at her hotel and went to bed early. Just as I did. 

Another has just been from London; drove here, stayed here; brought the food to cook for us both; and happily walked Celyn with me in appalling winds and rain. He returned home yesterday….and will fly out to be with his wife in Sarawak at the weekend. He changed his flight so he could come and see me. 

Tomorrow, Friday, two more friends are coming to stay driving here from the East coast, and bringing ‘food to share.’ They will stay here for the weekend. And I know they will do a lot of heavy jobs I just can’t do any more.   

In so many ways, I feel blessed. And yet. Despite all of this, I still feel stopped.  

Am I being self-indulgent? Am I being selfish? Help me please, Moodscopers to pull myself out of this stopped-ness. It is beyond me. 

CMM

A Moodscope member