I've been seeing a counsellor for just over a year now. We get on, I feel comfortable around her, and I know she's here to help me. But when my emotions come up in our sessions, I cough, I deflect, I make a joke and I push them down. Sometimes a little seeps out, but as soon as I can I sniff it away.
At home, when the black dog curls round my feet, I swallow the emotions down with overeating and I busy them away by focusing on my "to dos". I do all that I can to distract myself from the feelings bubbling below the surface.
I know I need to face the emotions so I can work through, heal and move on. I know I need to fully embrace the pain. But somehow I can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared that if I start crying I'll never stop, that I'll plunge myself into deeper and darker places from which there is no way out. And right now I don't have time for it. I can't fall apart when others are so reliant on me.
But still I know I need to start acknowledging the feels. I'm not sure where to start but as always, awareness and accountability are the first steps. So here I am, telling you all that I'm aware that my avoidance strategies aren't healthy for me and that I'm going to try to change.
If any of you lovely moodscopers have any advice or tips for facing and feeling the feels I'd love to hear them.
In the meantime, wish me luck and a box of tissues!
A Moodscope member.