Find Warmth in the Cold

Tuesday January 5, 2021

Have you ever felt the moment, where your mind and body are shivering from life and you just want to take a break and escape from the cold present? For me, it was the new normality the past 10 years.

I've always had a "thing" for operations. With my innate heart disease and couple of additional health issues, I can proudly count over 12 operations at the age of 33.

Ok, you might think now: "This is not funny at all, dude!"

Well, yes and no. My last operation in 2010 marked the way to my depression. I broke my lumbar vertebrae and had to undergo emergency surgery.

When I woke up after the operation, I couldn't lift and feel my feet.
This mental shock and the ones that followed (I had to undergo a second emergency operation soon after, because I had severe headaches due to a loss of brain liquor) triggered countless ups and downs for the next 3,650 days. Not a very delightful picture, right?

Today, I'm sincerely grateful for everything that happened during that fateful day and for every moment afterwards. I see every day as something special, not with shiver. Every encounter as a gift, not a pain in the a**. Every mental struggle as feedback to be more kind to yourself rather than judging your own failures.

The bottom line is:

If you feel that you're the victim OR the one that can change your own future by starting NOW: You're both right :)

I've tried countless methods to overcome and to "heal" my depression. Just concluding: "Don't try to deny your own feelings. Accept them gratefully with utmost sincerity and think about, what really defines you."

The depression does not identify you. YOU'RE the one in charge.

Right now, I still can't feel my feet, but I can walk and run with all my might. My brain also functions properly (maybe sometimes a little bit crazy :P). But it was ME, who tried everything possible to make MY situation better.

Currently, I'm doing physical and mental activities 7 times a week (Running, Body weight workouts, hiking, walking, cold yoga, meditation, mindful breathing, cold showers, ...) and I seek comfort in the discomfort.

So find your inner fire and ignite it in the cold :)


Xiaoao xoxo
A Moodscope member.

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