Fluffy white bunnies, crawling spiders and rainbows...

11 May 2018

I have had a diagnosis of depression and anxiety with good and not so good periods for nearly 25 years. This last year I have had numerous attendances at ED for stitches for self harm and an overnight stay after an overdose. Yet I had no idea I was so ill. Feeling so low and unable to do the most basic things was the norm for me. For me, starting sessions with a psychologist recently was the straw that finally broke the camels back. After 3 sessions of history taking, we weren't even half way through what has been a traumatic life at times and my mental health was deteriorating rapidly.

My doctor of over 20 years has been my rock during this time and I was shocked and confused when he said, "Enough is enough, I want you admitted to hospital." Even though he was fully aware that I absolutely hate hospitals. A four week stay in an acute psychiatric hospital and a primary diagnosis of severe depression with psychosis, with secondary diagnosis of complex PTSD and personality disorder followed.

Scarily I had no real understanding of how poorly I was, seeing fluffy white bunnies made me feel comforted and happy. Beautiful small rainbows dotted all across the sky including when it was night time have also brought me joy. Crawling spiders all over my body scared me so much I was reluctant to go to sleep. Staff in hospital spent time supporting me, including an awesome student nurse. How to keep the spiders at bay, especially night time was a challenge. We tried a cooler bedroom environment, medication to stop me scratching my body till it was raw and staff talking through what they could see especially when I was given night time medication. Even now the spiders are problematic and I become frustrated when my husband says they aren't there.

I am now out of hospital and have been receiving home treatment and crisis care for the last few weeks, but this will sadly end in soon. It is hard to even contemplate revisiting sessions with the psychologist when it was a significant factor in my admission. I am genuinely scared I am not strong enough and that I will end back in hospital.

Any thoughts on how I can overcome this fear, as I know more horrid stuff will be dragged up, would be very much appreciated.

Happy hopping bunnies.


A Moodscope member.

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