My beloved Grandmother died five months ago. She was so much more that just another relation. Granny was my North star, my port in a storm, my cheer-leader, my role model. I could carry on but words can never convey her importance in my life and to my psyche.

Despite the fact she had been slowly deteriorating mentally and physically over the last 10 or so years, like an intricate tapestry losing its detail, her ongoing physical presence was reassuring. Still able to listen and give a response that was always helpful, never judging and always spoken from a position of love. Still able to hold my hand and just be with me, especially when I struggled to be with myself.

I feel the pain now, an ache in my heart area. Something that in some ways I have wished to feel over these past months but haven't been able to, the medication that I take for my mood numbing my feelings and of course protected by the initial denial stage of grief itself. I've not known how best to view this. Caught between knowing that the medication is keeping me well or well-ish but less cognitively sharp than I would like to be.

What I do know is that Granny always said that her strength would live on in me and that she would say that I am doing well. My ability to feel will allow me to heal and pass through this stage and that the feelings of loss now are part of the love then.

Knowing that I can, as we all can, become my own cheer-leader and all I need to do today is get to bed time, put my head on the pillow and sleep, tomorrow is another day.

Catherine G

A Moodscope member.