I’m sure guilt is something we have all felt from time to time. We know we are responsible for something we’ve said or done, and we feel regret about it. Shame, however, is much worse. The definition of shame is “A painful social emotion caused by a deep consciousness of guilt, shortcoming or impropriety, often resulting in feelings of unworthiness, humiliation, or a desire to hide.”

How often have we wished that the ground would open and swallow us up? I know I have. I’ve opened my mouth and said something gauche or insensitive or even cruel. I am deeply conscious of my guilt and feel shame.

Guilty pleasures, however, are quite a different story. I like chocolate. I know it isn’t good for me and, if I stopped eating it, then it would be easier to control my weight. But I’m still guilty of eating it and feel little or no shame. Perhaps it would be different if I had promised myself not to eat it, in which case I would berate myself for a lack of willpower. But. I’ve been careful not to promise myself anything, because I have learnt from previous experience not to.

The Shame and Guilt cards in the Moodscope pack are different from each other. Guilt says, “Feeling regret for doing something wrong,” and Ashamed says, “Feeling shame for doing something wrong or foolish.” Shame and regret are quite different. Shame can make one feel wretched.

This is where self-forgiveness comes into play. When it’s just regret for doing something wrong, then sometimes you can put that right with an apology or at least live with it without too much sorrow. With shame, you can often want to hide away because you can’t face the world. There needs to be forgiveness – not by other people, but by yourself for yourself.

Easier said than done, I know, but think of it this way: when you performed your shameful act, did you mean to do anything wrong, or did you know it was wrong and do it anyway? Did you intentionally let people down or hurt them, or did you do it because you were weak or foolish or because at the time you didn’t know any better? Would you do the same thing again? We need to be kind to ourselves and not judge ourselves so harshly.

Sometimes we feel shame in inverse proportion to the deed or words. The big acts of immorality (whatever we perceive as immorality, which varies from person to person) we may regret but still feel there were extenuating circumstances; we feel no shame. It’s little things over which we may beat ourselves up. Very often, if it’s a minor thing we’ve said or done, the person we’ve done it to may not have even noticed or has forgotten it already. If they remember, they may not give it the weight we do.

So, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself. One of my favourite phrases is, “You did your best at the time with what you had at the time.” We should all remember that.

Mary

A Moodscope member