It was a wintry evening, snow was falling and the street lamps cast a yellow light in which you could see the snow flakes twirling.

We were standing in front of each other, (him back for Christmas from his first term at university) standing on one leg, the other bent against the fence. He had his arms on my shoulders. We both had our long black army surplus coats on.

I didn't sense anything was wrong but he suddenly said "I've met someone else"

The finality of it didn't really register so I asked him did he like her, was she nice, what was she like. Whacky, zany good fun, very funny. She made him laugh. Mmmm everything I wasn't.

I still didn't believe this was the end of the relationship although I was very jealous of this whacky girl he'd met at university.

Of course it was the end.

Several years later he wrote me a lot of letters apologising for that night, saying he had never got over the guilt. When I got the letters I thought to myself I suppose we did have some really good times together and the setting that evening was very romantic. Not perfect for a break up. Unfortunately his handwriting was largely illegible and the letters came thick and fast so in the end I threw them away. I was over him. I'd moved on. For the most part 

My best friend from school and university married his brother and often told me what he was doing (he married that girl and they had a very open marriage apparently not living together for much of the time. That did please me!).

Recently when I met up with my friend she told me I wouldn't like him now! He has a front tooth missing, is crippled with arthritis and lives in a caravan with his dog. Despite all that and possibly because of that, I thought actually I would like him. I was interested in him and asked her to describe his lifestyle to me.

Then after a while she said oh and we met his new girlfriend. 

It's amazing how a few words can lift your mood only for it to immediately plummet with a few more.

Up one minute, down the next.

How a moment in time can resurrect those same feelings after years have passed.

I'm sure we've all had relationship break downs but some stay in our minds more than others. If you feel like it, maybe you'd like to describe how it felt and whether you have any regrets or feelings about it.

You may not want to but it's helped me writing about this so a big thank you. 

(When I look back to that winter's evening and relive what happened and think of me as an 18 year old, I realise that I was probably fairly depressed then. I didn't know it at the time but I can see myself now in her all those years ago. It's helpful for me to recognise this.)

Julia

A Moodscope member