Hiding my depression

Tuesday October 6, 2020

I’ve been away from work on holiday. Two weeks in total. We were supposed to go abroad but with this pandemic decided to stay locally. The first week was okay and I switched off from work however, on my second week back from a few nights away up north, it’s been an emotional rollercoaster with constant racing thoughts about work and life in general.

I’m dreading going back to work. I’m now more worried about a lot of things, overly worried which is causing me a lot of anxiety and a strong feeling of ‘I’m not good enough’. I was up and down when Covid started and when the lockdown happened I’ve had a few times where I seemed to feel better but the majority of the time I start feeling this dread which I can only described as the worst feeling in the world (it’s hollow feeling in my gut, an emptiness and a  detachment from being me! It’s extremely difficult to explain...)

I feel hopeless as I write this and trying to find some kind of olive branch or kind words because I can’t get it anywhere else because I know if I tell my family I’ll worry them and I’ll feel more disappointment.

I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me but I know that I can’t go through this constantly and when is enough enough?

I can’t go through another breakdown. I worked so hard to get out of the first one.

I feel stupid, ashamed, unworthy of anything and how can this be...? if I was well I wouldn’t be thinking or feeling this way.

A Moodscope member.

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