I've been away from Moodscope

I've been away from me.

I've been in a dark place

I have been all at sea.

Twenty three years of depression,

A broken marriage in there too.

Jobs I had to leave,

Now the funds are too few.

Divorce has taken its toll,

I 'lost' my daughter as well.

My son is still with me,

He makes my full heart swell.

For the last eight weeks I've hidden,

For the last two months I've closed.

I've stopped communicating out,

I'd stopped doing what I proposed.

I am now self employed,

So it affects my whole life.

I sit inside and hide,

I watch all the stressful strife.

I stopped writing my blogs,

For the Moodscope family.

I stopped reading the comments,

That help some readers be free.

I had to stay with friends,

So I'd feel safe enough each day.

To have a human conversation,

To get me through some way.

Each morning I'd wake with fear,

Each morning there it was dark in June.

And if I lay too long,

Self harm was in the room!

I'd seen it all before,

Almost each year since ninety one.

Why am I here again,

Why have I just my son?

I've lost half a stone,

I was not eating well.

Just milk and cereal.

Unless I stay in Motherwell.

My home is in Moray,

three and a half hours away.

I have to return each week

To ensure the grass is 'wee'.

Initially when I returned,

It would take three days to cut.

I wasn't safe outside,

This was a dark, dark rut.

I'm moving more again now,

But still not free to see.

That each day has its options,

Each day is up to me.

I have difficulty being at peace,

With what I can do each day.

I still think I should do more,

That inner voice hold sway.

Even although I do know,

That each year I've survived.

Each time this happens,

I don't think I'll revive.

And then I think I've had enough,

I cannot fight through again.

This really cannot be back again,

I really am insane.

But here I am coming 'up',

To face life once again.

I write again to Moodscope,

I'll open up the pain.

So my Moodscope buddies,

How are you doing in life?

I may even read the comments,

There really could be life.

How do we help each other,

How do we deal with life?

These mental health challenges,

Are really far too rife.

Les

A Moodscope member.