Most mornings, waking up, I'm already wrestling with the memory of what went wrong last summer. The consequences of my brother's refusal to look after my mother for just one day has led to a family breakdown in communication. I wonder if it will ever be fixed and if we'll ever be comfortable around one another again.
Then I try again to deal with the hurt caused by neither of my siblings attending the 90th birthday of our mother which I organised with great attention to detail. Several friends were there and all my children, but no representatives from my brother or sister's family.
I use the techniques of "mindfulness" and meditation to try and erase those memories but they lurk in the back of my mind and catch me unawares.
I have always assumed that I was quite a kind, forgiving person. I have been told I am in the past. But now I'm not so sure. How do I move on, get over it, forgive and forget when no forgiveness is sought from me. It seems my siblings feel totally justified in their absence and dis-engagement.
I read Suzanne's blog about missing her mother and I know I will miss mine when the time comes, even though she has caused a lot of pain and upset, causing the rifts that now separate me from my siblings. But I have a duty of care to her. I have to rise above the pain and distress in order to see her through her final years.
Then my logic takes me to the question of what to do when she is in hospital for the last time. Is it then my duty to inform my siblings that their mother is dying? Will they suddenly appear at her bedside to wring their hands and sob and ask for forgiveness? Or will the silence just continue, deeper than ever. And I will be left to pick up the pieces and deal alone with my grief?
I have only once written a blog before. I often mean to but the words escape me, drifting through my mind but not settling on the page.
I don't know if this will have any resonance with other Moodscopers but, if it does, at least we can take comfort that we are not really alone with our private tussles and torments.
A Moodscope member.