I have long advocated better human communication but my focus was on the mutual benefit of the connection rather than the benefit to the individual. In reality communication is the means - not the ends.

Of course there are many desired ends from communication but which is the most universal and powerful? I think the evidence points clearly to ‘feeling understood’. 

When humans don’t feel understood they feel isolated, uncooperative, frustrated, unhappy and unwilling to get involved. 

Conversely, when humans feel understood they feel included, co-operative, appreciated, happier and willing to get involved. ‘Feeling Understood’ is a deep, driving and powerful psychological need at the heart of the benefit from successful human communication. 

Understanding is a basic element of intimate connection and is what allows us to feel emotionally safe. To the extent that we feel accurately and empathically understood, we can trust and feel close to another. To feel understood by a trusted other is a soothing balm for painful feelings. It is in safe connection with a trusted other that we are best able to relax and let go. This is what can release us from the clutches of painful feelings.

Conversely, lack of empathic understanding can be traumatic. This can easily occur when the need for understanding is urgent. Lack of attuned understanding on the part of a needed other can re-trigger old developmental wounds.

Being upset signals the presence of something not yet seen, understood, and/or accepted. For this reason, there is great value in turning towards the upset and feeling our way towards deeper understanding. In order to move on, it helps to understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

But how can we make ‘feeling understood‘ happen?

The crux of this is ‘the way to feel understood is to work on understanding others’. I know this is surprising and paradoxical. By understanding others they are more likely to want to understand you and you will have the skills to help them do so.

The way to understand others comes down to making it your priority and applying the key skills of active listening (put everything out of your mind and make understanding the other person your only task), feeding back what you are hearing (words and emotions) and checking your understanding (by summarising your understanding and checking with the speaker).

Do you think that part of the reason why Moodscope works as well as it does is because the blog and comments help towards feeling understood in a safe environment?

Your thoughts please, I would like to understand.

Best

Adrian x

The Moodscope team