Yes I know it's an odd thing to say but I do it every day.
I might have mentioned once before that I work in a Hospital, I might have said how I see all manner of things in my day some good some sad, some uplifting some devastating.
I have realised that I fool the world I live in every day while dealing with everything that walks through the Hospital doors.
I am at once able to attend to people's needs, directing them to the care that they need, sometimes just a friendly chat seems to be all they require. I can chat and chat!
I answer the phone and I often hear myself laughing with some colleague or sharing a moan, it always amazes me how normal and happy I sound.
In fact I wish I could meet that me and share a coffee or something as we would get on so well!
Underneath all this is the constant churning in my stomach, butterflies fluttering and crashing into each other as I gulp down some air to steady my racing brain, desperately trying to keep the dreaded darkness at bay.
Depressed? Neurotic? Naturally down? I can't seem to label myself, I just know that the dark despair is a world away from the paradise I see in other people's lives sometimes.
A stranger can impact an impression on me in seconds, I can look and admire their dress sense their posture and happy vibes as they stride through my day, I cannot imagine these people having the black moments I struggle with.
I never show it.
I am just me, smiley welcoming helpful me.
And yet, and yet!
There it is plainly standing there before me this wall that separates me from the rest, a tall black ugly wall blocking out the light and the rainbows that I know are there somewhere.
I sometimes stop to stare out of my office window and admire the sunshine filtering through the trees and the tiny birds shrilly enjoying their little birdy lives.
Flowers hanging onto their beautiful colourful coats before the colder wetter winter days arrive to wash them away.
I can feel the glow of autumn surrounding me and forget for a moment about the darkness standing there in the corner slowly moving across the room towards me. It stops in its tracks as I lift up my phone and console the caller who is distressed about their relative. I can hear my voice talking to them calmly, comforting them and finally wishing them well and yes please do call me anytime.
I am very kind I think.
It's just this wall of sorrow that has attached itself to me it will not leave me alone, I can see how it might end, it's a bit odd but the sleep it could give me is so welcome sometimes, I could just let it fold over me and close my eyes and just sleep in its thick black arms.
It's the phone ringing that I automatically reach out for that drags me just for a little while back into the sunbeams sitting on my desk and the sound of the small birds singing that allows me to be the kind woman on the end of the phone again.
Just for now.
Just for now.
A Moodscope member.