I am being evicted. My fault completely, and I also feel blameless. Constructive dismissal, followed by a very personally affecting prostate op, and I have been knocked back, depressed and blameless. I have also been sitting on my hands not doing constructive stuff. My fault completely.
What's the truth - the hard truth?
For the first time in a while, I am out for my brisk walk first thing in the morning. While walking along I am consumed with thoughts of my constructive dismissal nearly a year ago. Upset – again. Angry – again. A rabid dog is chasing its own tail in my head. Corrosive unhelpful circular thoughts go uselessly round and around.
I pick up the pace. I need to be out of breath. Pushing myself, physically. I know that regular exercise changes people reaction to stress. I know it helps me. Yesterday I tried to deal with an issue with the Inland Revenue. I failed some stupid security thing, that delays me fixing a problem. For ages - I was angry and obsessing how stupid and unfair the person, system and world is.
Three days ago I was doing well, and if this had happened then I would have just dealt with the problem. Worked around it. What's the next thing to do? Chunk, chunk, chunk working through the problems. Three days ago I was still doing my exercise.
Pushing to go for the walk. My emotions don't want me to do this. My thoughts are unhelpful too. Me, the real me – the person with the choice – forces me out the door to do the exercise. The emotional ghosts of my past chase me, as I pick up the pace. My thoughts unhelpfully say that I should be doing work. Ignore it. Push through it.
Focus on writing the next letter to the housing benefits people. Go photocopy the passport to send to the Inland Revenue. This focus is Mindfulness and Meditation with a purpose. I try and focus on everything I do. Be present while sponging down the shower while dripping there (I won't do it after I'm dry and dressed, you know). Focus on what I need to buy next in Supermarket. Every focussed and present action is helping me do more focussed and present actions. The rabid dog chasing its tail is finding it more difficult to run around in my head, as I focus on washing up.
Research shows that understanding why (I have self-esteem issues) gives the good initial results for therapy. But establishing coping skills provides the best medium and long term results. Exercise helps me cope. Behavioural activation helps me cope.
The hard truth is I have to learn to cope with the damage life had thrown at me. Or I will be evicted.
Simple really - blame, anger, despair and understanding – are all luxuries I cannot afford.
I am back after my stiff walk. Feel more stable. Shower time and practice being present while I do.
A Moodscope member.