I am feeling lonely. There I've got it off my chest. I am feeling lonely and hurt and that's painful.
I knew that last week was going to be quiet as my kids were going off on holiday with their Dad, my Mum was off on holiday with a friend and my sister and family were also off up in Scotland. So as well as my day job, it was my job to keep an eye on my lovely but elderly Dad. This I did well. Curry was cooked on Wednesday night, we had a little day trip to a garden centre with a spot of lunch, a few hours I will treasure forever, and in chaos, as my cooker broke midweek, I produced Sunday dinner for him and my kids at his house despite having to grapple with a new oven which he had no idea how to work and simultaneously arbitrate a fight about felt tip pens.
Over the years I have developed a good sense of cherishing the moment and am pretty good at finding little pleasures in the small things. Indeed I am normally someone who is quite happy in my own company so this feeling of searing loneliness is a bit of a shock. At the heart of this is that two of my friends who I hold dear and have been good friends over some years have been too busy to see me and maybe are no longer as good friends as they once were or I had hoped for.
Now I know that I am patient and loyal, and I am trying to stop that cycle of negative thinking that starts with "Why me?" and if continued would, after a tirade of personal self-criticism, result in a complete character assassination of myself. I am also having to restrain myself from lashing out. I don't do it often but if I do it rarely ends well.
So I have realised that I am normally so busy I don't have time to take stock but work is quiet, people are away and so I have had plenty of time for reflection. Some of this has led to me making new plans for the Autumn, a determination to catch up with friends who maybe live further away and a pottery course booked for Fridays in Autumn. But taking stock has also led to my feeling cross and disappointed.
I hope this blog is not too self-indulgent. It has taken me years to develop the emotional intelligence to understand and name my feelings and to believe they are valid.
So this time I'm not offering platitudes or funny stories of life as a single parent, today I am asking for advice. How do you cope with rejection and what do you do when you feel lonely?
As for me, I will hunker down to the afternoon play and let life drift slowly by until I have licked my wounds and re-discovered my "va va voom".
A Moodscope member.