I am happy. Or am I?

Sunday July 31, 2016

I hear people say that they need to be around people, that they don't enjoy their own company, they may feel lonely or depressed.

I don't get it, I suppose I always feel depressed anyway, a little bit inside out and not belonging, so being on my own or being with others doesn't really make any different apart form a short term distraction maybe.

But I feel the opposite. I love my own space, I could quite easily be on my own constantly and I feel the need to look at this. Firstly, maybe I don't feel lonely because of the world of social media, texts, whatsapp etc and knowing that I can access this 'other world'. So I don't feel lonely when I am alone, I feel at my most loneliest when I am with people who have absolutely no chance of understanding my innermost feelings despite how I ache to release them to somebody.

So I find my own space, find my keyboard and I am happy. Or am I?

In a session of CBT it was suggested that my coping strategy is avoidance, and that this need to be alone is a way of me avoiding the outside world and the people in it. I take that, sometimes, but not all the time, maybe it isn't my depression, maybe it is me, so maybe it is about acceptance of the person that I am.

So how do I choose how to act, how do I choose whether to spend time with the person or people, or not? This is tough for me and is very much work in progress, it is my current focus with regards to self reflection / development.

I imagine being around that person and seeing it as a gift. Is that a gift I want right now? Is that a gift I need right now? If not, why not? What are my emotions regarding this, do I sense fear or apathy?

I share this because I don't feel I am alone in this. I wonder if others have this constant critical side who is analysing all their feelings instead of curling up on the couch with a good book and a nice cup of coffee and letting the world carry on without them :)

Peace Seeker
A Moodscope member.

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