I intend on writing a book

Saturday August 6, 2022

In a culture addicted to success and positive thinking, this little companion for the heart, will speak of the gifts of failure, the wisdom of loss, the meaning of letting go, and the mercy in grief.

I have known loss and grief for all my living years. Now may well be my time to honour their presence in my life, in our lives. So here is a brief for all my Moodscope friends:

“Loss is a betrayal. Loss happens when something we have had the courage to love deeply, more than anything else, and more than ourselves, is taken away from us. We are left dumped on the roadside, unable to breathe. Breathing is like inhaling singing hot smoke, like drowning with our lungs full of ice cold water. Our hearts are seared open. “Why” is about all our minds can articulate.

And yet, a new day dawns. Our mind left numb by the shock of loss, gradually awakens to meet life’s flow again. Our bodies will themselves to function, however basically. For me, it was the call of the mother. Two very young children needed to be loved, fed and clothed, irrespective of the immensity and intensity of my dysfunction from the loss.

I used various paddles to make my way out through the rapids- will, a call to duty, guilt, even shame on my hopelessness and vulnerability. Some days were better than the others. Many days succumbed to a dark reservoir of grief.

The mercy of time and a love for the children that would not give up on me, egged me on.

I learned that the journey to healing is ongoing. Gradually, I began to see that all my efforts at trying to make sense of, of piecing a “new life” was essentially a search for meaning. Perhaps we are all searching for meaning in some way, I thought. Perhaps we are even making meaning as we engage with the flow of life, I felt. Perhaps deep down we are meaning making creatures. After all, meaning gives context and enables.

Meaning making may well be the healing mechanism of time. As we allow our hearts to receive this wisdom, to let this understanding nurture our minds- its habits and its routines, embrace with love the reservoir of sorrow that our bodies have held for years after the sudden ruptures...

Perhaps at the end of the day, our journeys are our destination...

Perhaps endless self love, is the gift of loss...

Perhaps endless self mercy breathing in love for all the painful knots within, is the gift of trauma...

Perhaps our capacity to love endlessly is the wisdom of grief...

Perhaps our ability to transcend ourselves, to become larger than life, perhaps that unvanquishable spirit... that is what it means to be human...

And it is all held here, right here in our hearts, the wounds and the trophies, both.“

A Moodscope member.

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