Today I said “I’m fine,” not once
But five times altogether
When people asked “how are you?”
Then made small talk of the weather

And that was how the day went
All “I’m fine” and talk of rain
Until somebody asked me how I was
Then asked again

They asked if I was truly fine
And I said that I was not
And they said they were sorry
That they couldn’t do a lot

But then they sat beside me
Whilst I spoke the truth at last
They listened and they held me
As the tears slipped through my mask

And where before, I’d felt I should
Maintain this brave façade
I realised there was much to gain
By letting down my guard

See, though my load was still the same
It now was not as heavy
‘Cause sitting and offloading it
Had helped a bit already

Today they asked “how are you?”
And I told them I was fine
“Til someone saw behind the mask
And asked me one more time

And though they may have felt
That there was little they could do
They’ll never know how much it meant
To tell someone the truth.

Becky Hemsley

This poem was sent to me by a dear Moodscope friend. She regularly sends me words and images of comfort and encouragement and this poem spoke especially to me.

How many times have we said, “I’m fine,” when asked “How are you?” Because people don’t really want to know the truth, they just want to hear a positive, even if it’s not true at all.

I was guilty of that myself on Sunday. I asked how somebody was and then didn’t even wait for an answer as my attention was distracted by another person across the room. I feel bad about that. And owe that person an apology.

But “I’m fine,” is not really an answer at all. Very often it’s the mask, as the poem says.

If I hear somebody say, “I’m fine,” depending on the tone of voice, the alarm bells sound. So often we just don’t have the time to sit with someone but, if we do, then I suggest the next question should be “But how are you really?”

Yes, the person may not wish to talk; they will repeat, “I’m fine,” and quickly change the subject, but at least they know that someone cares enough to ask twice.

And sometimes you may get the truth. Even if we can do nothing practical to help, just lending a listening ear can help enormously. The Samaritans are trained to listen, after all. Powerful listening can be a transforming thing.

When was the last time you felt really listened to, that you flet someone cared enough to listen? And when did you provide a listening service to someone who needed it?

When you ask how someone is, sometimes you need to ask twice.

Mary

A Moodscope member