This is a request for help. Maybe it’s even a cry for help. Maybe I just want sympathy and understanding.
I’m worried that I’m in mania.
I came out of the last bout of depression on 18th July, and it’s wonderful to be back to normal. This morning, however, a thought struck me: what if this is not normal? What if this is a high? What if this is – already – one of my semi-manic periods preceding a bout of depression?
When I go through on of these periods of hyper-mania, I have boundless energy; I become focussed on projects; I become impatient with others when they don’t agree with me or tell me to slow down; I function on very little sleep.
The last time this happened, I was clearing my Father-in-Law’s house. I wrote “Effortless Perfection” – 25th May – while surrounded by cardboard boxes, bowls of soapy water, mops, cloths and brooms.
Everyone had advised me to hire a professional cleaner for the house, and I’d even gone so far as to get a quote - £750! My Father-in-Law could easily afford it, but I dismissed the idea; not because of the cost, but because I knew I could do a better job myself.
And I did. That house was spotless!
A week later, I was in the world of grey fog, swamping fatigue and a mirage-shifting uncertain reality.
When I look at what’s happening now, I feel a bit worried. I’ve engaged a business coach, because I need to make a bit more money from my work. Garry is fantastic! He’s great at keeping his own eye on the overview – which he knows scares me silly – and giving me bite-sized tasks which I tackle with enthusiasm. Every day and week I’ve achieved these little goals, and I feel tremendously accomplished; I’m buzzing with enthusiasm!
This morning I went swimming for the first time in nearly a year; how wonderful!
The niggle for me is that I became angry with the state of disrepair of the changing room. I was irritated by the lack of lane discipline shown by the other swimmers. I know that when I become energised but irritable and hostile, it’s a bad sign.
I don’t want to be in mania: I don’t want to be facing the next bout of depression so soon. I know the longer the mania, the longer and deeper the following depression.
When I confided my fears to Himself, he replied, “Actually, I was a bit worried about that.” So, now I’m worrying the people dearest to me too.
There’s one bright spark here. Normally, in mania, I cannot see it, and dismiss those who tell me I am. Maybe, because I’m worried about it, it means, ironically, I don’t need to worry?
Have any of you here had any success in controlling your manic periods? If so, what methods have you used?
Because I’m scared, and I really need some help and hope.
A Moodscope member.