It's back again. Oh I've been so well; and just as my life couldn't be more perfect on the outside (travel, a wonderful partner, a worry-free existence for months), still it arrives - and my insides feel like rocks.
This time I feel it has a message. It's almost laughing at me. "Ha! You thought it was a lack of money, relationship, worry?"
As I journey through life and work, as all my little achievements stack up, I can no longer blame those obvious things that it hooks onto. So this time it's different. I literally cannot blame a thing.
It. Just. Is.
There is no escaping the horror that this will follow me through my life no matter what my 'life's situation' looks like. Whether good, bad, or ugly. It doesn't care.
It. Just. Is.
It can accompany me in times of hardship, and it can follow me to a place of beauty where all is well with my life.
So, being the practical lass I am I turn to my 'list'. Things that may have helped in the past. (Anything!). Mine start with antidepressants, exercise, and food. I realise that with travel I have no constraints, and not scaffold, so this is more difficult that it seems. There's no one to have to pretend to if that makes sense. This morning I lay in bed thinking "I must get up!". (Answer, I cannot!). This went on and on until 11am. With no work to attend, no one will notice, so I can easily just disappear... Yet I know even getting up and having a shower will help. So why can't I?
One thing that has helped me though is my new favourite podcast, The Hilarious World of Depression. I listen to the Placebo episode where listeners dial in their favourite coping mechanisms. There are some lovely mantras, understandable anger ("My brain is an ass*ole!!" cries one listener in despair) and then my personal favourite: a quote from Freddy Mercury who, when unable to sing, simply stood up, and shouted "Let's fu*king do this darling!!" before striding into his recording studio, feeling anything like singing. For this listener it had been getting him out of bed for months - and appealed to my sense of humour. It seems this illness makes a lot of people swear a lot!
I love this Moodscope community. Somewhere out there I know a number of my tribe are also struggling with the same issues. Some as basic as "How the heck do I frickin' get out of bed" as this illness drains every last milligram of energy from my body.
Please! Share your 'how to get out of bed' tips with me; as I could really do with some help here!
The Travelling Girl
A Moodscope member.
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