It's back, why does it come back? And why now? It's Christmas and I love Christmas. I love the winter, I love the chilled air and the assault on my senses when I leave the house. I love the list making and the excuse to treat myself and those whom I love. I love the food and wine and chocolate in every room of the house. I love the lit coal fire and the hot water bottles. I love Christmas carols and christmas songs. I love the lights and the smell of the tree. Ok, so I don't love all the socialising, I find the magnitude of social engagements to negotiate terrifying. Oh why has it found me out now?

I've been well really; bobbing along to a merry little rhythm and it's all been fine. I've taken on a couple more hours teaching, joined a social running group, helped on the PTA. The odd down day and I've bounced back up. I'm generally a positive person despite the depression, I'm a teacher, a parent, an empathetic and supportive friend and I live a full life. But it's come back again.

I won't deny looking over my shoulder when I'm whizzing forwards, checking it's not closing in on me. I definitely look ahead and anticipate if it could be looming around the next corner, but I wasn't expecting it to pounce on me with quite so much force. Is it out of the blue?

I want to have a tantrum, stamp my feet and shout in it's face that 'It's not fair!', 'Leave me alone!', 'Go away!'. It has taken over my being again and I'm angry because it's robbed me of the beautiful winter and Christmas with my children. I'm still here, I know, but I'm not me, it's making sure of that.

I know for lots of people Christmas is a time to hibernate or protect themself, last year I was prepared, I had a list ready of 'How to look after myself at Christmas'. It feels too late for that now. What do I do Moodscopers?

A Moodscope member.

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