I was singing in the choir at a wedding when it came over me like a tsunami. My hands started to shake, my knees to vibrate and I felt acutely nauseous.

I knew what it was, although I had until that moment been in denial. It meant my mania was coming to an end and depression was imminent.

The thing about mania is that it can often disguise itself in the Moodscope score. When I am “normal” – or what passes for normal - then I score two on most of the positive cards and zero on the negative cards. When I am in mania, then the positive cards can score threes but so do the hostile, jittery, and irritable cards, so my score can look the same. My Moodscope buddies who don’t live with me notice nothing. My poor family suffers.

I wonder how it is for you? Do you find yourself jittery or irritable, or both, when you’re at the stage of change; going into depression? Or even in depression? What about normal life? My younger daughter used to suffer panic attacks but that was just in response to stressful situations and wasn’t a part of depression. That was jitteriness taken to extremes.

These feelings are not simply “being on edge” or “in a bad mood.” They can be intense, persistent, and disruptive, affecting daily routines, relationships, and one’s sense of stability. They have physical symptoms too, like my shaking hands and skittering knees. You may find your thoughts racing and become over-sensitive to things around you, even light levels.

Do you find yourself snapping at everyone, especially loved ones? What about being able to sit still or concentrate on anything for any length of time? 

And do those around you understand? My husband bears the brunt of it. We were on a canal boat holiday a couple of years ago, when I was first on my current medication, but hadn’t yet got the dose right. I wasn’t irritable, but I was anxious and jittery, and it was hard on him – especially as a canal boating holiday is supposed to be relaxing. The only time I seemed to get relief was navigating the locks, as operating the mechanisms at least gave me something to do.

And what makes you irritable? 

Irritability turns up when our emotional resources are stretched thin. It often manifests as impatience, frustration, or a low tolerance for stress. Small inconveniences feel overwhelming, and interactions that would normally be manageable trigger disproportionate reactions. Sometimes we misunderstand this as anger or hostility, but for it is more accurate to describe it as emotional overload. The nervous system is already working overtime, and even minor demands feel like too much.

What can we do about it? I’m sure you will have your own methods and I’d love to hear them. Mine is grounding, where I make myself notice everything around me, so my attention is distracted from myself. And I also drink ginger ale for the queasiness!

Mary

A Moodscope member