‘Just a perfect day

you make me forget myself

I thought I was someone else

someone good’

These words sung by Lou Reed have made me ponder who I am and what is happening to me and - oh so many other things recently. 

We who use this page, know all the issues that our fragile mental health brings with it.

Who hasn’t wished they could be someone else for a while? To walk a mile in someone else’s shoes? I have wished it. And also utterly rejected it. I am ME whatever that means. And I know that there is no such thing as ‘perfect.’ I do not believe anyone can possibly have a ‘perfect life’ regardless; life issues intrude and we all have to deal with them in the best ways we can.      

April is my birthday month. Birthdays as a child and up through my teenage years, were always fraught. I remember with great clarity my mother saying firmly ‘You’ll not be wanting a birthday cake’ and me acquiescing. No birthday cake for me, and smiling broadly as I said it. I did consider it odd that birthday cakes were produced without fuss for my two brothers, but told myself I was imagining slights where no slights existed. 

Mum asked that every year, but only once did dad overhear. He said ‘Of course she does! It is her 21st birthday! Everyone needs a cake for their 21st!’ 

A cake was produced. I hardly dare eat it knowing the rage that had gone into making it. 

Once, on my actual birthday, I phoned home and said brightly ‘Hello! I thought you might like to wish me happy birthday!’ my dad said ‘Oh! Is it today? Your mum thought it might be next week.’

Jane always insisted on celebrating birthdays; a meal out, a meal in with friends. Gifts, smiles and fun. Her family all celebrate birthdays regardless of where they are in the world. 

And I celebrate the birthdays of friends – flowers, cards and gifts are always sent. And it is a two way street. 

I send emails to my brothers wishing them happy birthday. Bothering with their wives and their children, seems like too much fuss. They respond by not noticing my birthday either.

Last year I did not feel at all like celebrating my ‘perfect day’ and this year I was sunk in a deep depression for weeks. But I decided to make this a ‘perfect day’ for me.

And so, for the first time in my life, I bought myself a birthday gift. It is a second bench to sit on my land, overlooking a fabulous view of the sea. 

My friend, a local farmer, has accepted delivery, so that he and others – it is very heavy – will get it up there, soon. 

Now it is installed, I can sit on it and maybe for a little while, I can forget myself and think I am someone else, someone good.   

CMM

A Moodscope member