Suzy, Mary and Les' recent blogs have given me a few things to think about in the last few days.

Briefly the issues which came up and I chose to dwell on were:

1.What motivates me when depressed.

2. Who is the real me? and

3. Contradiction in ourselves.

For me the onset of depression was out of my control; it came upon me gradually without noticing, many years ago. I didn't find myself suddenly depressed one day but I guess in a way I have always had low moods. They say that this can happen at or around the age of 7 and before that if treated wisely by family etc, one can change. I don't know but perhaps I have the sort of personality that falls easily into depression if a trigger occurs.

So what motivates me is trying to gain some control on its progression and how it makes me feel and operate on a daily basis... I need this control over something, which could so easily get out of hand and totally take over.

Who the real me is is much more difficult to answer. Once upon a time (!) there must have been a "real me" but I dare say over the years I have adapted my personality to meet other people's expectations of me in different situations, work, family and socially. Lack of self-confidence played a major part in this.

So now I am wondering, looking back over my past.

I guess I have to conclude that the real me is how I am today, the sum total of my life to date. But it's difficult to accept me as someone I don't like much of the time.

And lastly my contradictions, so eloquently expressed by Suzy. Some days, (and I have written extensively about this, you all know by now!) I feel great and am a very different person to, for instance, the one I perceive today. I am totally unrecognisable to someone who had met me on a good day. I share all the contradictions Suzy wrote about. For instance, I don't want to miss out on anything in life and yet shy away from events, which will mean I will have to perform, be sociable and interesting.

I am writing this on a badish day. The words aren't flowing as I would like them to.

There's always tomorrow!

Julia

A Moodscope user.