Keeping my head above water

Tuesday December 17, 2019

I am just about keeping my head above the parapet at the moment. I am in work, just about, drudging through, ticking each day off.

The domestic daily routines are the actions that flow. I recently described them to a friend as 'domestic drudgery.' However, actually those actions are secretly keeping me going along with daily dog walks. I now understand why the action of providing food is for some the gestures of love. Whilst my recalcitrant children lie in bed to a disgustingly late hour at the weekend, I prepare pancake batter ready for their wakening, accompanied by the Archers Omnibus. (I was most put out the other week when the time was changed to accommodate the commemorative service at the Cenotaph)!!!

These regular routines seem to keep me going. My routine was disrupted when the Monday night Pilates class was cancelled indefinitely. Maybe if I was feeling more robust I would have not felt so disgruntled but it unsettled me. It's been an achievement when so low on energy that I have researched a new yoga class and forced myself to go. The fast paced class left me aching all week.

This morning I walked the dog around the boating lake in my chocolate producing suburb. Old men bring their remote controlled yachts to race competitively around the lake. The sun shone through the blustery wind onto my still wet hair. I felt a tear slipping down my cheek. My inner voice said to myself, 'It's alright, darling. You will be alright.'

I blunder through. Right now if there is food on the table, clean sheets on beds then I feel that is good enough.

May the time come soon when life is no longer about just existing but more about living..."

A Moodscope member.

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