Saturday September 5, 2020

So, fellow Moodscopers, I was wondering if any of you have ever been left by a friend. Have you been suddenly cut off and left wondering why or what you’ve done?

This happened to me a couple of years ago. It hadn’t been a very long friendship but I suppose it had got quite intense quite quickly. It was totally symbiotic, we both needed each other for advice and we just got each other from early on. We used to meet to go for walks, we’d pick up a take away drink on our way round and sit and chat on a bench or on the grass. I’d always have a list of things lined up in my head ahead of our meetups, things I couldn’t wait to get off my chest and run by her.

She was starting a Masters in Psychology and given my history of past traumas we used to joke that together we’d write a book called ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ (I know it’s been done!) and each chapter would be an extract from my rocky life story followed by her psychologists views on it all.

But then I got really mentally ill. I went through a summer of self harm to a September of suicide and in the last week of the run up to me almost taking my life she was one of those who happened to be around for me. Another friend intervened and took me to the hospital on the Friday and I’m still here and have been generally following an upward trajectory ever since but my friend has left me. I had a couple of texts in the weeks after that and then nothing. Two years on, still nothing.

I miss her, I have lots of friends but they’re not her. I put all my usual self blame and negative slants as to what I did wrong, I can’t reconcile myself as I have no answers, always so good at explaining things but she didn’t explain this. How do I move on when I haven’t got the answers?

A Moodscope member.

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