Everyone needs a way out of the life they are in. My dad was so relieved when he discovered he had lung cancer. My aunt was resigned and accepting when the cancer came back. My cousin decided it was time to go when the cancers overran her life. A neighbour in Nottingham waited patiently until she was alone, and simply died. Jane's mum, clean, newly washed and in a fresh nightie and clean bedding, thanked me very much for taking such good care of her....and died just after I left the room. A good friend knew it was time, and just let go. Another good friend, last year, wanted no fuss, no intervention, and died 3 days following her diagnosis. I could go on. I won't. 

My Civil Partner, Jane, has recently had emergency surgery after finally allowing me to call an ambulance. Part of her bowel and bladder have been removed and re-joined successfully; so no need of colostomy bags. But it was obvious that the mass they removed was nasty. And ‘shadows’ are all over her liver. Although she is recovering she is not getting better. And she is refusing to take pain meds, despite being in pain. The hospital sent her home with paracetamol. After a fortnight, they decided she needed something stronger; one dose of Oromorph resulted in 7 hours of violent vomiting. Now, despite having anti-emetic drugs, she refuses to try again. 

It is Jane's life and ultimately, it is Jane's death. She accepts some food and water; not much. But no pain meds.

I continue to care for her to the best of my ability, but I cannot force her to do things she just does not wish to do. 

At the next meeting with the consultant we hope for an official diagnosis and perhaps a treatment plan; how long she survives after that depends on what is said. 

But I know this; I am exhausted and I am in constant chronic pain as I have been every minute of every hour of every day, for the last decade. And I really do not know how much longer I can endure.  

Her sister stayed with me while Jane was in hospital. We went together each day to visit. My brother is driving us to the hospital this week; her brother is taking her to a different hospital next week. But I am left to do everything else. And I am exhausted.

We have arranged for a home visit by a solicitor to sign Power of Attorney documents for finance and for health; we have informed HMRC her business is closed ‘with immediate effect.’

This is not uplifting reading; it is hard and it is tough. We have been together 46 years; Jane said she had hoped we would make it to 50…but she said ‘That does not now seem likely. Do you think we will make it to 47?’ Our 47th is Aug 27th

And now. We wait.

CMM

A Moodscope member