I’m in Western Australia, driving from Fremantle down to Margaret River.  We flew in 16 days ago. We have spent 5 nights in a comfortable hotel in the Kimberley region, two good swimming pools 22 kilometre long beach of soft sand and some wonderful side trips.

A few days back in Fremantle and now 4 nights booked in a cottage by the sea near Margaret River, a world famous wine producing region. Wide blue skies, interesting trees and plants and I’m sure we will see some wonderful wildlife.  But…

When we stopped for a coffee, my sister asked me if I am ok, I seem a bit quiet. I said I feel fine, enjoying my holiday, but it’s like there is a piano damper in my head. I can see all the things that would make my heart sing, but there is a pad of felt in my brain that dulls the message.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense.  It is like attending a concert of the most beautiful music, but my ears are blocked so the sound is muffled. Is this what a previous therapist called my ‘long term, low grade depression’ and something I just learn to live with?

I recently came off antidepressants, because I wanted to feel my emotions, but in being mindful about how I am right now, I sense a woolly feeling in my head, like I’ve got a cold but no runny nose, sneezing, coughing or such symptoms, not even a headache, but not clear headed. 

We have been pretty active on holiday. Staying in an air BnB about 10-15 minute walk, up and down hill, from my sister’s house or the same distance down into town or to the swimming pool and I have no problem doing that but there is also a sort of lassitude when I stop. My sister did point out that I am nudging 70 now and it is 7 years since our last visit, maybe I can’t do what I used to do. I need to accept and keep on keeping on…

Gnarabup was wonderful, we didn’t see much wildlife, but last night we went down to the beach to watch the sunset. There were two ospreys flying nearby - so we had a good sunset with the added bonus of watching the osprey catch and eat fish. Wonderful.

I did have a lightbulb moment two nights ago - I’ve been drinking wine everyday, so I stopped and I do think it has made a difference. However, I now have to make a choice - drink wine that I enjoy and live with the woolly head or watch others drinking while I nurse a glass of water. I have not yet found a soft drink that gives half the pleasure.

I think I’ve asked before, how do people cope when they live with a drinker? (not drunkard)

Yours sadly,  

Another Sally xx

A Moodscope member

P.s I am now mostly staying of alcohol, but picking and choosing, so that I can enjoy a glass if we are out with friends and at Christmas. My head has, thankfully, remained clearer without the booze.