This definition sums up my life right now. I am feeling the loneliness.

As an introvert I like my own company. In my normal life I am happy to spend time alone and recharge my social batteries by choice and on my own terms.  However, I am single and I live alone in a flat and therefore since the nationwide lockdown began I have been living a pretty solitary life and after so much time the novelty has well and truly worn off. I have been for some socially distanced walks with a friend or occasionally with my sister but that has been the limit of my social contact save for the increasingly rare video calls. 

In the last 7 days I have had face-to-face contact once for not more than 5 minutes and 3 video calls. The rest of those long hours have been spent completely alone. I have come through a few episodes of depression over the years and am finding that so much time spent in isolation is taking a real toll on my mental health. I find myself increasingly sensitive to the smallest things. A text message read the wrong way sending me in to a spiral of negative thinking. I spend so much of my time in my own head mulling things over, talking myself in to but more often out of ideas.

I walk an hour each day and try to do some yoga practice. I try to read or practice hobbies but mostly I spend a lot of time watching Netflix. Sometimes it inspires me and I have new ideas for the future but all too soon the thinking comes back and I talk myself out of it. I am trying to occupy my mind day after day with progressively less motivation. I try not to look at social media at all the pictures of families together in their lovely gardens enjoying the sunshine. I know deep down that the lives people depict on social media are not accurate, only showing the best bits, but sitting in my flat alone its difficult to remember.

I try to remind myself that I do have family and friends but this is difficult when I don’t see or hear from them. I could reach out to them but I talk myself out of it. They have their own families and own lives and I don’t want to impose. The result is I spend even more time alone thinking and end up convincing myself that this is my life now, I am on my own.

Time stretches on seemingly endless. Each day merges in to the next one and I’m losing track of time. Most days I don’t achieve very much sometimes the hours drag by but somehow at the same time seem to speed along.

I don’t know anyone else in the same situation as me and I guess I’m sharing this for anyone else out there who can relate. So they know they are not alone. Everyone’s experiences of this situation will be different but none any less challenging than others. I may not have young children to occupy but motivating myself when I am alone every day is difficult. It’s difficult not to feel lonely.

Victoria

A Moodscope member.