Have you ever woken up and just for that tiniest split second all seemed to be well in your world and your day lies before you perfumed, pink and without a fluffy cloud in sight?

Then just as quickly the heaviness of heart strikes as you remember that you have lost someone so very dear to you?

This happens to me every day and has done for over three years, then just as that happiness of that teeny weenie split second seemed to be somehow stretching to minutes before that dreadful heartache, that black pain that reminds you that you are not part of the same family you once were, another deadly blow by that awful enemy called Death leaps into your life and you find yourself to be a complete adult orphan.

It is soul destroying, and now I know how utter sorrow feels - the wretched thing has me in its grip and tight.

This feeling I will never survive... but then again I might??

Like the birds above I long to be free of this deepest sadness, but there is no easy way out.

I recently dreamt that I was climbing out of a window, (such a struggle it was) but I finally got through and felt so free, free of pain and all the dark feelings that billow around me endlessly.

Somehow though part of me is hoping one day I can close the windows, open the door and let myself try and be able to live again.

There will never again be the 100% moments of perfect happiness that I took for granted. The songs playing on the radio in the kitchen on a sunny afternoon, the laughter of a family picnic, the sunshine and the salty sandwiches on a day at the seaside, the smell of apple pie and the two pairs of eyes that watched over me endlessly.

Memories are met on the path of longing and I need to try and hope that one day we will all be together again in some sunny haze where the birds are singing and there is just a lovely perfumed pink day ahead, and I will feel those caring arms around me once more.

Audrey

A Moodscope member.