Crossword clue? No. Today's (19th July) blog was a message of hope, and moving on with the help of Moodscope after hitting rock-bottom. The letter 'D' seems to start a lot of negative words – and I am always using 'but' as a rider. Listening to a programme on Radio 4 today one of the 'panel' used as many 'buts' as I do, but she used a synonym 'however'. This means that you agree with the other speaker then refute everything they say. To my shame, I do it too much nowadays.

The last few months I have been becoming convinced that I was heading for a serious clinical depression. All the elements as described by many on Moodscope, and my own memory, were present. I did not want to get up in the morning – I had plans, but it mattered to nobody whether I carried them out or not. I DID get up, coffee would revive me. I'd embark on something, no enthusiasm or energy, and give up – deluded, disappointed, and disgusted with myself. I'd got dreadfully tired, battling with an overload, extreme heat and lots of worries.

The Tour de France today was in an area my husband and I know well. I went to the care home, took him to the TV in his wheel chair, and tried to interest him, slowly and carefully, in what was going on. He called me a 'b****y awful person', and, totally distraught, I fled.

His state is distressing in the extreme (he has dementia), and I try to carry on, with kindness, and making a life for myself. A son who has had lots of emotional problems was here last week-end – one treads very warily with him, his state is 'delicate' but he is hyper-critical of me, especially if I try to talk to him of the future. We actually had a super week-end, mainly, I think, because it was so socially busy we did not spend much time together. (He no longer does Moodscope, so I'm safe).

So, via shopping which I loathe, but my cupboards would make Mother Hubbard look like Fortnum and Mason, I endeavoured to be 'positive'.

It turned cool, so I mowed the weed heads on what used to be a lawn. I watered everything, and, although it's tough, August and September are to come, if I give up now no flowers for the 'busy' time in our town. Then the 'but' came in because I was planning on what to do when (and if) it rains. Therefore, I might fear depression, BUT I'm planning ahead, which one does not do when depressed, getting up and cleaning teeth major achievements.

Then, the picture is 'meaningful' as a message of hope – I intend to buy bulbs to fill all containers for next spring. Life's tough now, I hate winter, BUT, if I have plans for next spring I have to get through next winter, another 'D', decisions and determination.

The Gardener

A Moodscope member

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